You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
