Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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