Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
