i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
