so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
