Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
