shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
