we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
