I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
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I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
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Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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