he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
