oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Come on in and take your pants off
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