Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
