I will die if light touches me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
