I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Enjoy the penises
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
