Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
