I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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