Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
