Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
