can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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