You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
