I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
