I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
