my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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