So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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