after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
