take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
