So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
