Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
