The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize