Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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