Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
