don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I see more hoeing in ur future
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
