I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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