I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
