I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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