I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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