Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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