Tell her she can't have a vagina
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
