There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
