Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
