allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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