he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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