I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
