remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
