The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
