I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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