It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
