can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
