Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
