It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
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WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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