Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
