new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
