Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
