Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
