How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
