I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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