Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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