I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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